Advice From My 13-Year-Old Self

Don't Do Drugs. No, Wait. Do Drugs!

2010-01-13T12:28:00.003-08:00

I wish Side Talks would make up their mind.

Xenadrine, Dexatrim, Trim-Spa, Xenical, Fen-Phen. TRY IT!

2009-12-12T09:21:00.000-08:00

The commercials say it works and they'd never lie!

I Agree With Me

2009-12-01T08:54:00.000-08:00

This advice isn't so bad. But my spelling of the word "curfew" makes me want to slap myself.

Side Talks Gets Defensive

2009-11-19T10:03:00.000-08:00

You know, I come home from school, slave over my typewriter giving questionable advice to made-up people, and this is the thanks I get?

I Interrupt This Advice Column To Bring You An Easter Card

2009-05-20T18:07:00.000-07:00

I have NO idea how old I was when I wrote this. Honestly, I vaguely remember doing it when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade at Holy Name.

When I pulled this out of the cedar chest, the first thing I saw was the back of the card and couldn't make sense of it. Was I an atheist in 3rd grade?

Then I realized that that's a picture of some other saint (who rolled the rock away from Jesus' tomb?) and announced that Jesus wasn't there and that he'd risen from the dead.

I was probably an atheist then, too, though. I'm surprised the nuns let me get away with putting this on the front cover of an Easter card:

I also, apparently, wasn't too sure that other people would appreciate my artistic abilities, because I urge my mother and grandmother (Mamas) to throw the card out.

AGAIN With The Torn Between Two Lovers

2009-05-18T09:20:00.000-07:00

Well, at least Jessie doesn't advise them meeting in the same house at the same time. That's HORRIBLE (and redundant) advice.

Aww...

2009-05-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

Well, this letter just makes me sad. Many of my letters had something to do with what was going on in my actual life. This one below is a perfect example. I DID live with my grandmother and she constantly criticized me. It's kind of pathetic that I'm trying to convince myself that she did it because she loved me.

???

2009-05-06T16:14:00.001-07:00

What advice am I actually trying to give here? There's no name of the magazine, no street address, and then I tell HER to write about it? What?

Just In Case I Forget...

2009-05-04T10:51:00.001-07:00

... all that time I spent sitting in my bedroom typing phony advice columns instead of doing my homework? That was all written by me, so I left myself a note at the bottom to remind myself.

Jessie Advocates Stalking

2009-04-29T19:59:00.000-07:00

Keep after him! He's probably lying anyway.

Chinese People Are Very Concerned With Etiquette

2009-04-27T09:55:00.000-07:00

Change Yourself, Damnit!

2009-04-23T14:53:00.000-07:00

Excuse me, Bully? What can I do so that you won't make fun of me any more? How can I change to please you? Would therapy make me more acceptable?

Jessie advocates physical violence (I'll call her an idiot)

2009-04-22T08:50:00.001-07:00

What on earth could be accomplished by encouraging a woman to get both of her boyfriends together in the same room except the desire to witness a brawl? Then again, my adult self DOES love a good hockey fight.

Save All Your Stuff

2009-04-21T20:45:00.000-07:00

I was a pretty weird kid. Last night I was going through my cedar chest and found a bunch of typed papers entitled Side Talks. I have no idea where I got that title, but apparently it was an advice column I'd written-- to myself. I'd forgotten all about it, but it was pretty amusing so I've decided to share them, bad spelling, horrible advice and all.